i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
