Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
