She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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