Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
