I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
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