My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
