Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
