My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
