thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
