Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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