____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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