i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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