I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I FOUND THE LEGS
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
