I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
