sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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