I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
