I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
