oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I am one with the molecules
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
