my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
