did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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