i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
