I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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