I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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