Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
