So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
