Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
