So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
