You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
