My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
