she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
