wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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