u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
