I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
