I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Let's get the cat blown out
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
