She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
