I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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