Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
