tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
