I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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