Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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