I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
