During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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