I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
