Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
