I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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