somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
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We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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