if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
