happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
