Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
