I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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