is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
