No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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