Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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