so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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