i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's never too late to be topless.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
