I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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