Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
