im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
