No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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