Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
