I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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