I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
