also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
