Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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