you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
